Outside in...Inside out?

It was my sense of worth and recognition in the world

Lives has gone by since my last share. I have written many drafts. But none of them potent for the time being.

One truth is that I fear what words want to come through as I wilfully open my heart to the depths of my dark. What is the dark corners of my human experience if not to be shared into light in great honour and celebration with you…?

I recall walking hand in hand with my mother down Amagerbrogade.

Amager ‘The shit island’ a term with origin from housing Copenhagens first ever garbage system dating back to 1898. Throughout the 20th century many industrial factories were established in the middle of the island, and common to all of them were harsh working conditions. An area I later learned was greatly looked down upon by the capital for its stigma of being housed by mostly ‘lower class citizens’ A little east coast island which used to be rich on potato fields and soil. It also happens to be the place I was born and raised.

My mother once told me that when they were kids it was totally normal for the school teachers to go the pub after work and drink with their parents. My dad told me stories of being a young boy having to sometimes collect bottles and cans he would exchange for money to afford dinner. He would proudly go to the corner store and pick up beer for my grandmother and her friends. I have so much respect and admiration for all of their journeys earth side.

I am about 3 years old when an elder man greets us. He bows down to face me and with delight in his voice says ‘What a beautiful girl you are!’ he pulls out something from his coat, a piece of caramel candy wrapped in golden paper made of cheap plastic. I accept the sugary gods and return him with a smile.

It’s the early 2000’s and my mothers cousin just got a brand new polaroid camera. I’m thrilled as the excitement of getting my picture taken grows with the thought of the opportunity to have the photograph just after its shot. I confidently strike a pose, smile and look straight into the lens. A natural - I was always told.

I’m about 8 years old when I sit wildly consumed by the reality tv show ‘America’s next Top model’ I quickly pick up on the infamous ‘smizing’ and spend many hours a day practicing all my angles in front of the mirror. Right then my dream took form -And with the impatience of a hungry dog, I could not wait to be independent and live my life the way I wanted. My parents were newly separated and I was growing up with the speed of light.

I was always recognised for my beauty, and with the acknowledgement from so many people it easily became everything I thought I wanted. I come from a linage of performers so being in the spotlight was incredibly natural to me. I loved it. It was my sense of worth and recognition in the world. My life line. My ticket out.

I was scouted at the age of 12 and booked my first job at 14-which was also the age I decided to move out for the first time. My determination pushed me out, over and through and I achieved so many of my hearts desires at a young age already. Many of those desires shattered me into tiny little pieces. I would reconstruct and repair by numbing everything I wasn’t equipped to handle. The more numb I got, the wilder experiences I would seek. I was born with incredible passion, fire and creator energy, but I really had no clue on how to channel it in healthy ways.

My wounding and close connection to the hip hop culture was wildly liked by many people all over the world who would follow me and help me grow my career. The bigger the success the further away I got from the little, rejected, broken hearted, insecure and scared girl I was on the inside. Even tho I had no memory of her, she was still very present with me in the way I would attract experiences that would mirror those very core beliefs and feelings back to me. The more pain I would encounter, the more numbing and suppression I would seek.

It was not till I was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 17, small shifts started changing the course of my life. You can read my story here and here

In a society that glorifies ‘hustle and grind’ culture which keeps us trapped in the belief of ‘never enough’ and provides us with the mindset that we NEED to constantly be producing, buying or doing. It supports a vibration of competition, of separateness, casual sex, unconscious trauma bonding and has sadly gotten us so far away from the truth of Humans as Natural beings.

Do you know what you want? Or did someone tell you what you should want?

Being a girl of looks made it so easy living on the surface. The money in my bank account provided a fake sense of safety. The fake sense of safety provided a life of mindless shopping, drinking, smoking, scrolling, empty relationships and drugs. My insecurities was seduced by the capitalist mindset of ‘buy more, be more’ I was looping in a wheel, but always with a silent pull of a deeper reality available.

My awakening has been a slow burn, or should I maybe say innerwaking? After the second surgery I made an agreement with myself, to turn to the inside…How exactly would life feel living from the inside out? I finally dared to dream. I can now say that it has been the most satisfying and gratifying part of it all. I have learned that my inner life is so rich with the sweetest of juice and with the darkest of nights. I have come to love putting words to my experiences and birth them into transmutations available to whomever ready to receive.

You’re never given more than you can handle. If you practice going through life consciously, you’ll find peace in the act of integration and insight in self assessment and contemplation. You’re so seen darling. This is your confirmation that you’re exactly in the right place, right on time-always.

With so much Love and Gratitude in my heart, thank you for being here

V

Photography by Rasmus Stabell