It was the end of November 2019. Winter was here. Weather was dark and when I’d open my mouth to inhale the frisky breeze a fog would appear - apparently the scientific process for that is called ‘condensation´.
‘Who are you’ ‘Who are you outside your profession?’ ‘Outside your hobby?’ ‘Outside the freedom of daily habits’ ‘To do’s’ ‘To go’s’ ‘To see’s? I wrote in my journal. I was pretty much chained to my bed, making it very impossible to escape the deep seated feeling of aloneness. ‘Who are you when you lack the energy to take a shower…or even brush your own teeth!’ ‘WHO ARE YOU THEN?!’ With a heavy hearted sigh I whispered out loud ‘Is this something I’ll have to battle with for the rest of my life?’ The thought terrified me as I saw life as I knew it, slowly fade away into the abyss. It was just a few weeks after my second brain surgery. Same diagnose. The tiny bit of remaining tissue had decided to grow again. I had nowhere to run too. Nowhere to hide. I was broken open. My insides was singing melodies I had done my very best to suppress for years and years. It was now time to listen. Question is, was I ready?
6/12-19
Swimming in a pool of emotions
‘I haven’t been depressed for a min, or have I been all along hiding behind habits and relation? I go to bed thankful the day is over, wake up sad it went so fast. My heart feels heavy, so many expectations, so much potential, too much of everything. Too much of nothing. The let down haunting like a bad breakup. Emotions so familiar but spirits grown so I can’t use the same coping mechanisms that used to get me through. Don’t let the past define you they say…that will only create limitation. What if I have been running from my past as long as when it was still my reality? Sensitivity. A sensitive heart is painful when it rains. And when it rains it pours.’
Winter a home. Winter been a home for years.
‘Hungry for someone to understand the cold. The cold even in July when days are longer, nights shorter. I have heard that happiness is a choice. But what if sadness feels like home? Would you go with the known or the unknown?’
1/1-20
Lessons learned 2019
‘I learned about and experienced the Island I originate from. I learned to proper get to know someone before giving my heart away. I learned that if something doesn’t excite me, I shouldn’t do it. I learned that I have a toxic relationship to substances. I learned that I can heal the pain within. I learned that I need to practice being alone, and not feeling down or on my own from it. I learned it’s about time I start loving myself. I learned I like to dress well, but don’t give a fuck about the industry. I learned that people grow apart. I learned that lost connection can be restored. I am learning about the cycles of the moon, and how they’re connected to my own cycle. I have learned that when life hits. It hits hard. I have learned it’s okay to be sad. I have learned the world outside doesn’t have to be so scary: sometimes it can be fulfilling engaging and meeting people. I have learned that happiness isn’t a person or a place, it is inside of me. I have learned what’s meant for me will be. I have learned that in this life you only truly have yourself. I have learned to surrender and orgasm. I am learning to be patient with myself. I have learned sex is energy exchange.
2020 will be the year of focusing on myself!’
3/1-20
Friday
‘I am excited for the change ahead, but mostly excited to change perspective and the way I view myself. Often I feel a shame deep from inside of me. Ashamed of who I used to be. Ashamed of choices I have made when I didn’t know better. These choices have made me who I am, so why does this shame have to define me? My ex send me a long phrase someone wrote on ‘anxiety’ it was beautiful and it made me cry. I related a lot. I feel this anxiety is preventing me from my full potential.
I went to the hospital to see my nurse, she checked up on the healing of my scar….As we spoke, deep emotions came to surface. I told her how tired I was feeling all the time. Even after a full night of 8-9 hours sleep, I’d still wake up swollen and exhausted. She told me this is very normal after brain surgery and it can go on like this for months still. Since the surgery I have been struggling a lot with my memory, planning skills, energy levels. These are things I have been enjoying for as long as I remember. I feel a big part of me is missing. Like I don’t really recognise myself. I feel lost. These real emotions. The tears. This hardship is making me feel stronger and more alive than ever. Nessa I fucking Love you, you deserve the world.’
22/1-20
Tenerife
‘in the shadow of a tree, reflecting about the sun. There’s no shadow without sun. funny I needed to travel to the sun, to sit with my shadow. now that I am learning I can dance with my shadows, would it be too early to call it a friendship?’
9/6-20
Reminiscing about drugs
‘alone you made me feel, I took a pill. connecting with others didn’t scare me no more. loose. sweaty. temporary break. from everything. and nothing. nowhere I’d rather be. lost souls getting 2gether. making emptiness feel less of a problem. problems was what made me run in the first place. no more pills. no more problems’
28/6-20
Sunday
‘what u running from? she asked me. where u running to? always on the go. chasing emotion. on the go go go. I feel whole. on the go. everything I know. so distant. I feel whole. shaping my own reality. transforming identity. on the go. alone alone alone. out here I know no limitations. fly high. perspective. observing. flowing floating flowing. wisdom from the trees. wisdom from the ocean. wisdom from the heart. on the go go go. so good so good so good. embrace of freedom.’
‘when I write. I'm on my own. not alone. when I write words become poetry. part of me. when I write there’s no right or wrong. when I write all there is. is. when I write. in this moment of time. nothing else matters. when I write I feel true.’
5/7-20
Full moon
‘mirror mirror on the wall. for so long you have brought me comfort. for a long time I have wanted to feel good enough without you around. as the pain arises. as I am triggered. I become my own light. I shred light on my dancing shadow. I let it all surface. I feel the feeling. I let go of the shame. I let go of guilt. I let go of expectation. I let go of old hurt. old neglect. I see it all wash away. as the ocean embrace everything that no longer serves me. in the light of the full moon I will burn to ashes. everything I ever knew will be smoking silhouettes. for a moment. there will be silence. not that aching one…the silence of death…of peace. of stillness. and I will rise from the ashes. like the phoenix. and I will be everything. and nothing at all.’
29/9-20
FUCK
‘where were you? where are you? could I ever count on you? projecting the pain you made me feel onto my lovers. different faces. same pattern. same story. forgiveness can’t be forced. a relation can’t be forced. do I even miss you? what is there to miss. when you’ve never really been here. there. anywhere. grew up trying to dress like you. mess around like you. hoping to be recognised. but now I’ve realised. its a lost cause. just as lost as you.’
6/11-20
A trip
‘when life starts spinning I turn to you. when I seem to loose my cool you connect me to what’s true. body electric. I need to move and groove to the vibrations of me and you. I’m falling in love with myself. your energy and presence is a big help. in the dark I found magic. in the dark I found you.’
In love
2/12-20
‘just the thought of you brings peace. I wanna do it all with you. words don’t seem to cover the ever evolving Love I feel for you. my sun. my love. home..is what I feel in your embrace. grateful.’
‘the naked truth. I wanna share life with you. your eyes reflect the simple power of vulnerability. your fingers running from my lip. down my neck. a gentles squeeze of my nipple. goosebumps takes over. all over. I give up control. when you reach my hip, my eyes roll back and I surrender. 'I want you inside of me’ comes to mind. patience holds me back. I never want this to end. making love on a Tuesday afternoon. but really we have been fucking for hours through imagination. when we lay in silence. that’s when I know I love you.’
15/12-20
2020
‘the year that went by. it started off something like a fresh start. fresh out of surgery. illness. madness. I was slowly getting back on my feet as the whole world paused. a pause necessary for rest so that truth could arise. a return to stillness. a full restoration of mind. body. spirit. I’ve let go of many. I’ve welcomed some. everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be. and I feel full. full of love.’
‘the now that I am experiencing is constantly changing and evolving. the way I view life changes as so. I have learned to go with the flow of life. non-judgment creates silence in the mind. non-attachment makes me feel centred. and letting go of assumptions have been three life changing things to always come back to. meditation helps me quiet the mind. it’s sort of returning to myself. to truth. it’s a daily practice for me, and I feel a huge difference. spirituality is very individual for all, to me it’s turning to ones natural state, living life guided by spirits. a walk in nature nurtures me. expression though dance or writing. yoga connect me to my body. I am doing my best not to label or judge any of my moods or emotions. it gets more quiet when I try and observe them instead of identifying with them. I feel free when I let myself fully feel and be whatever I am in any given moment. I am proud of my openness. open to differences. I am a good listener. your presence is the greatest gift you can give. my friend called me a battery. always charging her with radiant energy. good vibes. that made me proud. what a lovely compliment. self love is loving yourself first. the more you nurture yourself the more you nurture others by being all that is you!’
Photography Rasmus Stabell
Thank you thank you for sharing these vulnerable moments <3